Photo snapped by Kelly ❤
We’re back with another post in our Married Life column! 😉 If you missed our last post, Neal weighed in on how life has changed after marriage–it’s so cute, you don’t want to miss it.
One common question I’ve been asked over and over from engaged and married readers is, “what’s the best piece of marriage advice you’ve ever been given?”
This question is a loaded one. So I think it’s tough to answer. However there is one piece of advice that truly stands out from the rest.
We all know the common phrases–”never go to bed angry,” “learn to compromise,” etc. Right?
Those are fine and great–but the one lesson that has truly made a lasting, lifetime impression on me, came from Neal’s parents. They are the true-life definition of “marriage goals.”
They’ve built a rock-solid marriage of 31 years. All while raising three kids (who all grew up to be incredibly amazing humans, I might add). Including Neal’s little brother with special needs–which is of course, no small feat for any parents. They did this all while working incredibly hard to build and maintain successful careers, and being very involved with their community, family and friends. Somehow, they still manage to make time for one another. The level of respect between them is palpable, rare and special.
They are our marriage heroes and role models in every way, and their secret is simple:
Don’t keep score, you’re on the same team.
This has really been the most effective thing for me to remember whenever we encounter a situation that would typically end in an argument, or anytime I get mad or annoyed with Neal in general (whether it is or isn’t justified 😜).
At the end of the day, nothing is accomplished when you approach a situation standing on opposite sides of the line.
This can be a difficult thing for both of us to keep in check, both having strong personalities and opinions and often opposite ways of doing things by nature–but I think this one attitude, more than anything, has helped our relationship more than anything else–even before we were married–and I know it’s something that our marriage will always be rooted in.
It’s easy to get caught up and feel like you’re playing tug of war, thinking the other person is wrong, that they are purposely being unfair or acting in a specific way to upset you. At times, you may feel that you’ve been putting in more work. Or that they aren’t bringing as much to the table in one area of the marriage or another. Thinking this way is only damaging the both of you. Stop keeping score. Drop the tit for tat mindset. Approaching each argument like a battle will inevitably lead to losing the war in the long run.
I think taking a second to step back and see the big picture is imperative.
Fight for one another, rather than against each other. You’re on the same team!
Of course, this is much easier said than done, but it’s a piece of advice that we try our best to live by!
What do you think? I’d love to hear the best marriage advice you’ve ever heard–whether you are or aren’t married! Ready…go!
GAH! I love this! My boyfriend and I are always saying, “same team” and “teammate” to keep each other in check on this exact thing. Coming back to this reminder is super helpful when you start to feel annoyed or on the verge of an argument. Love that you shared this.
This really is the best advice!! This mindset can make all of the difference in an argument or when I have a bad attitude. Life is just better together when you’re giving the benefit of the doubt. I also recent article I came across has a similar sentiment “Turn Towards Instead of Away” that struck a chord with me! https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
Best advice I’ve ever heard!
This is more like relationship advice, but related to marriage. My grandma says “nothing gets better once you’re married” which is her way of saying that whatever the issues are in your relationship will only become more apparent and important once you make a commitment to each other. Marriage won’t solve anything. And it will illuminate both of your faults. So make sure that you’re committing yourself to someone who you trust to work through those issues with. If you think something is rough while you’re dating, getting married will mean working through it possibly for your whole life together. Creating that intimacy with someone over years and years is amazing in so many ways, but it is work!
I watched an Insta Story live of Julianne Hough & her husband. And they said the #1 thing that helps their marriage is when they are in a quarrel, they yell out ‘SAME TEAM’ – to remind one another that they have the same goal. If one irritates the other, they say it outloud ‘Same Team’. My family’s number one marriage advice is to pray together and pray for one another every single day.
Absolutely 100% great advice! Eric and I always say we make a great team together, because, it is true, you are a team together in a marriage. It is BOTH of you together, not one against another. We are a blessed team with God in the center of our marriage and relationship. We keep Him first and pray together and our marriage is rock solid. He blesses us tremendously and it is amazing and awesome. You both are off to an amazing start in your marriage if you hold the advice of Neal’s parents to be a constant. Love you guys!!
Such an important thing to remember. Thanks for sharing!